Even as I write this, I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed with all that I’ve come to realize along this so-called “spiritual journey.” I’m annoyed with all that I still have to learn, and what I’ve had to accept. I’m annoyed that I didn’t start this journey sooner. I’m annoyed that turning back isn’t an option at this point! I’m annoyed that now I know what I know. I’m annoyed that I’m annoyed.
The spiritual teachers don’t tell you that once you embark on a life of meaning – once you attempt to get to know your true Divine self – that first you must unlearn everything in order to reconstruct your life’s foundations. They don’t tell you just how painful a process it can be either, or that meditation really is like going to the gym everyday, or that despite the awareness that comes, you still have to stay grounded in the reality of the world in which you actually live.
And what about applying spiritual knowledge to my everyday life…how the heck do I do that? What about those people who are still asleep, not at all where I am on the awakened path? How do I deal with them, and is it wrong for me to even ask that question? Does it mean I think I’m superior? I don’t want to toot my own horn as some kind of spiritual expert. I also don’t want to turn my nose up at those who are kicking ass on their own spiritual journeys, either. If I promise to be more humble, will it make up for the times when I’m being selfish or critical?
And the news; how am I supposed to watch the evening news?!? How am I supposed to endure painful breakups, the death of a loved one, and still keep up with my spiritual practice? Why is it a struggle to maintain faith in the darkest hour? Life is hard enough; are tests really necessary? Who am I kidding, I know that they are. But in the midst of a test, can I sharply recall what I’ve learned thus far? If not, and my reaction is non-spiritual, does it mean I’ve failed? Can I be cut some slack for simply being human? Never mind, I think I know the answer to that question too.
And who the hell put these blinders over my eyes in the first place? I never knew just how unaware I was to the depths of my own shadow (a term we “spiritual seekers” use time and time again, courtesy of Carl Jung). Man I hate myself. Oh crap, I’m not supposed to say that! I take it back! How do Mr. Chopra, Mr. Tolle and Ms. Chödrön do it? Should I seek therapy as a supplement? Deep down I know I’m a good person. Maybe I’m just over thinking it. I’ll try being more present…there, is it working?
My intention is to change, and I just want to get it right. I don’t want to repeat the same old patterns. I want to be better. I want to do better. I want to train my ego to get out of the way of my Soul (whoa…did that just come to me?). How can I do things differently? How do I respond to life from a place of love instead of fear when I’m scared? What am I missing? The belief that life is rigged in my favor really does resonate (thank you, Rumi), and that all I have to do is just BE. But there’s still a disconnect, and I’m confused, and I’m frustrated. But I’m also fully committed to the journey. Really, I am.
So God, am I doing OK? Thank goodness! It’s nice to know that despite all my concerns, you really are there helping me to navigate this transformative experience. It’s nice to know that I don’t have to make such a big deal out of these things, and that all I really need to do is just surrender (piece of cake!). Meanwhile, thank you. Thank you for your blessings. Thank you for my family and friends who have supported me. And before I forget, could you help me to live in your image and be a better version of me? Have I asked for this already? Ok, just checking. Oh, and please, give me the strength to continue to find my center so that you, dear Heavenly Father, may enter. Namasté
And what about applying spiritual knowledge to my everyday life…how the heck do I do that? What about those people who are still asleep, not at all where I am on the awakened path? How do I deal with them, and is it wrong for me to even ask that question? Does it mean I think I’m superior? I don’t want to toot my own horn as some kind of spiritual expert. I also don’t want to turn my nose up at those who are kicking ass on their own spiritual journeys, either. If I promise to be more humble, will it make up for the times when I’m being selfish or critical?
And the news; how am I supposed to watch the evening news?!? How am I supposed to endure painful breakups, the death of a loved one, and still keep up with my spiritual practice? Why is it a struggle to maintain faith in the darkest hour? Life is hard enough; are tests really necessary? Who am I kidding, I know that they are. But in the midst of a test, can I sharply recall what I’ve learned thus far? If not, and my reaction is non-spiritual, does it mean I’ve failed? Can I be cut some slack for simply being human? Never mind, I think I know the answer to that question too.
And who the hell put these blinders over my eyes in the first place? I never knew just how unaware I was to the depths of my own shadow (a term we “spiritual seekers” use time and time again, courtesy of Carl Jung). Man I hate myself. Oh crap, I’m not supposed to say that! I take it back! How do Mr. Chopra, Mr. Tolle and Ms. Chödrön do it? Should I seek therapy as a supplement? Deep down I know I’m a good person. Maybe I’m just over thinking it. I’ll try being more present…there, is it working?
My intention is to change, and I just want to get it right. I don’t want to repeat the same old patterns. I want to be better. I want to do better. I want to train my ego to get out of the way of my Soul (whoa…did that just come to me?). How can I do things differently? How do I respond to life from a place of love instead of fear when I’m scared? What am I missing? The belief that life is rigged in my favor really does resonate (thank you, Rumi), and that all I have to do is just BE. But there’s still a disconnect, and I’m confused, and I’m frustrated. But I’m also fully committed to the journey. Really, I am.
So God, am I doing OK? Thank goodness! It’s nice to know that despite all my concerns, you really are there helping me to navigate this transformative experience. It’s nice to know that I don’t have to make such a big deal out of these things, and that all I really need to do is just surrender (piece of cake!). Meanwhile, thank you. Thank you for your blessings. Thank you for my family and friends who have supported me. And before I forget, could you help me to live in your image and be a better version of me? Have I asked for this already? Ok, just checking. Oh, and please, give me the strength to continue to find my center so that you, dear Heavenly Father, may enter. Namasté
