Tracey L. Rogers
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While You Were Out Getting Married And Having A Family

5/22/2016

6 Comments

 
...I was still single, not loving, but fabulous nonetheless. ​I wondered what would happen to our friendship. Would we lose touch as had been the case with others, or would we keep to our weekly coffee dates?
​

Originally published on Rebelle Society.
While you were out getting married and starting a family, I have to confess that I begrudged all of the upcoming activities – the bachelorette party, the surprise bridal brunch, the baby shower. Not because I didn’t want to celebrate. But because I was wondering when my turn would come, feeling frustrated after having attended 11 other similar engagements in one year. I was exhausted, strapped for cash, and trying to be patient.
 
While you were out getting married and starting a family, of course I wondered what the hell was wrong with me as I compared myself to you and to others. Why had I not found the right guy? I suffered from loneliness and depression. I repeated the vicious cycle of meeting Mr. Wrong, dating Mr. Wrong, and breaking up with Mr. Wrong. I even started therapy to work on my “issues.” But eventually began to realize that I was just fine; we’ve all got issues! After some intentional self-inquiry, I would soon conclude that the right guy had not found me yet.
 
While you were out getting married and starting a family, I came to know myself more intimately. I changed and evolved and deepened as a person. Life took on more meaning, and my personal development became more important than finding a husband. As my priorities shifted, to be married with a family by a certain age became moot. I hoped that you would understand, no longer suggesting that I “try online dating” while respecting my lack of urgency. I knew you were just trying to be supportive, and I appreciated your encouragement. But I was beginning to discover a new path toward happily ever after – one that was suitable for me. I did not want you to worry or think that I was in any way less fulfilled because I had not yet “settled down” – a cliché that is becoming more relative these days.
 
In fact, while you were out getting married and starting a family, I started my own business! My babies came in the form of creative projects and written works that were just as important to me as your physical children. This was what sustained me spiritually, mentally, and financially, giving me a sense of purpose. I did not have a husband or a family of my own to love and to nurture. Instead, I was blessed with opportunities to love and nurture my craft, and ultimately, myself.
 
Meanwhile, just so you know, while you were out getting married and starting a family, I prayed for you and your husband’s happiness. They say that by the time you reach your 30s, at least one of your friends will have gone through a divorce. I did not want this for you; you married a good man, someone who gave me hope. As Khalil Gibran wrote on marriage in The Prophet, “For the pillars of the temple stand apart, and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.” I prayed that you would move through your obstacles, and create an interdependent space for individual growth and mutual love.
While you were out getting married and starting a family, I learned so much from you – everything from the various types of wedding gowns that existed, to how the body changed during pregnancy, to understanding that while marriage often called for sacrifice, compromise and communication were of the utmost importance. These insights helped me to begin appreciating my time as a single woman, and I felt more prepared for the day when I would meet Mr. Right. I was grateful for your patience and counsel as I struggled to figure it out.
 
And wouldn’t you know that while you were out getting married and starting a family, I did meet Mr. Right? Boy, did he come as a surprise! As much as I hated being told, “it happens when you least expect it,” you were right. He was not like anything I had imagined. He was different, and did not fit with my expectations. He was better than anyone I could have ever envisioned. I found myself having to learn how to be truly loved and accepted for all that I am, receiving affection, praise, and words of affirmation for all of my wonderful attributes. It was surreal at first, and I was terrified. But I could not help but to love this person wholeheartedly. I became better for it in return.
 
My dear friend, while you were out getting married and starting a family, my sense of self-worth grew exponentially. I spent so much time investing in myself that it became second nature to believe that I was deserving of a fully encompassing love. Once found, I was sure to embrace it, all the while recalling your example and wisdom. For that, I thank you for being such a good friend. 
6 Comments
Erika Robinson
5/23/2016 12:12:06 pm

I think this is a terrific essay, Tracey: honest, clear-eyed, hopeful. Keep doing you!

Reply
Love
5/23/2016 02:48:19 pm

I'm not sure how this received criticism at all, but there is a hate against singles that no one likes to admit or discuss in our society.

Reply
Paulette Simone Smith link
5/23/2016 06:39:09 pm

I'm not much for 'Leaving a Reply' so to speak, however in this case I think it is imperative that I share with you the fact that I loved your essay. I can relate to 'While You Were Out Getting Married...' literally - all of your sentiments and somehow you've also managed to articulate my own hopes for new love and a successful business. I say all of that to say thanks for sharing.

Feel free to delete my comment after you have read it.

Reply
Natalie Baucum
5/23/2016 09:21:28 pm

Great article Tracey! You say a lot of truth I am sure most single women feel, including myself. To hell with the naysayers. Give zero F&*S!

Reply
arlyc
5/24/2016 08:41:37 am

I love this essay. I was married and divorced by the time I was 26. Watching all my "peers" falling in love, getting married and having kids hurt. And then it didn't. I grew to love myself, to appreciate the quiet and to allow love to find me. There is always something you write that resonates in me. Thank you for that.

Reply
Dr. Blue
5/24/2016 09:32:28 am

For what it's worth this essay is Dr. Blue approved. There are two routes we can take when those around us reach intimate personal milestones we desire. We can become bitter, resentful, snarky and secretly wish them harm. Or we can foster the dreams in our life we have more control over. We can birth our educations, our careers, we can foster self love. Both routes are human the latter is just healthier.

Tracey this essay acknowledges your deeply humble spirit and those who took it personally are merely projecting their own unhappiness. I'm about to birth a real live baby and it's no more nor less than the effort I've brought about degrees or accomplishmentsomething.

Well done! Well done!

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